She said, “Throughout history men have held the power in society, but at the same time they have been discouraged from sharing their emotions. If women had been put in that position there wouldn’t be a society.”
This really resonated with me on a personal level. It made me think about how often I, too, tend to push aside my own emotions (compartmentalize), especially in moments that feel weighty, like becoming a parent. The way you spoke about the societal expectations for men to stay silent and strong hit home because I’ve found myself in that same space—feeling the weight of responsibility but rarely being asked how I’m actually doing. It’s eye-opening to realize how much value there is in simply being seen, heard and known especially by another man/peer. The part where you talked about a friend asking how you were doing and the shock of not knowing how to answer felt all too familiar. Answers of accomplishments or trials always seem the proper response. It made me realize how I also don’t ask those questions enough of the men in my life. This reminded me that I need to lean into those uncomfortable spaces and be more intentional about sharing and asking how others are feeling, especially during big life transitions. This was a heartfelt and beautifully raw reflection on fatherhood, love, and the emotional journeys we’re all on, even if we don’t talk about them enough.
I’m going into the way back machine and revisiting the arrival of my two children and while time has given a sepia tinge to my recollections I realize the bulk of it was given to deployments and responsibilities to others - responsibilities that mattered, especially at that time, but responsibilities outside of my family. Does this essay have value? To me, it does.
I'm the father of your wife and the grandfather of your daughter. It's not clear to me that either of them are the way they are because of genealogy. More likely, they are products of nature more than nurture. I do worry and ask about how your wife is doing/feeling even when she isn't carrying another granddaughter. But I also worry, and in my heart, am just as concerned about my son (her brother). But your essay made me stop and think -do I ask my son how he is feeling in the same sincere and emotionally connected way as I ask my daughter? The most honest answer I can muster is - probably not nearly as often. And You, my son-in-law, somehow it felt, until now, that the question was territory where I dare not tread! So here I go "Leo how are you feeling ?" Its clear that a new family member changes the family dynamics for everyone - including the family dog and cat - but there is no doubt that Dads and Moms carry the heaviest load. So, to quote Joey Tribbiani, " How you doin' "?
To be honest, I was terrified at first. Things finally seemed to be settling into a healthy groove between careers and schools. It felt to me that we were going to lose the balance we worked so long for. But with the support of an amazing family, we’ve managed to regain stability and i feel an encouraging calm settling in. I am eager to meet this little human. And i am finally feeling grateful for this unexpected addition to our family.
It’s interesting, the entire time I was writing this a worry lurked in the back of my head that it might sound as if I were complaining. It’s a salient point that for a man to share his feelings he must first overcome the notion that he is complaining. The two are presented as though synonymous in most cases, largely to our detriment.
It’s funny. I didn’t take it as though you were complaining, but, as soon as I started writing my comment, I felt like it sounded like I was complaining.
All so true Leo and you and John both a little worried about sounding like you are complaining says it all. This is such a conversation starter and all of your essays are which is why I love them so much. You really got me on the balance part with careers and creativity and family and responsibilities. I just said to Larry as I worked on an essay that it’s hard to write and participate in a household because I just want to disappear into words and sentences. Larry knew not to interfere with my obsession at that time. So I am feeling it for you - that push and pull - wanting to be present while also needing to create. I have been wondering how you will cope and after reading this it sounds like you are as ready as can be. In addition to the social silliness of not wanting to ask a man how he is doing, there is also the not wanting to bother him with another email that he will need to respond to so you go through the woman to get the full story. There is a main hub you go through - that is how my family has always worked. Talk to Mom and then reach out to siblings if she tells you to🤣. But now you have given me permission to go straight to the source. Funny these constructs we make - thank you for breaking them down. Thinking about you lots as this next chapter is about to begin.❤️ I do need to understand what Lauren meant about if women were in power, there wouldn’t be a society - if they couldn’t share their feelings? By the way, you are an incredible partner, father and provider. A new little human is about to be read to while awake and asleep - the words not meaning much initially but man they sure will.
Leo, you have effectively asked the question. Men are not asked as often or as sincerely as women about their true feelings. Men definitely are entitled to be asked and should be comfortable with digging into their emotions, thoughts, and concerns while growing the vocabulary to share these . The ability to express true feelings takes practise and it starts with a brave, caring individual like yourself posing the question. Be encouraged!
This really resonated with me on a personal level. It made me think about how often I, too, tend to push aside my own emotions (compartmentalize), especially in moments that feel weighty, like becoming a parent. The way you spoke about the societal expectations for men to stay silent and strong hit home because I’ve found myself in that same space—feeling the weight of responsibility but rarely being asked how I’m actually doing. It’s eye-opening to realize how much value there is in simply being seen, heard and known especially by another man/peer. The part where you talked about a friend asking how you were doing and the shock of not knowing how to answer felt all too familiar. Answers of accomplishments or trials always seem the proper response. It made me realize how I also don’t ask those questions enough of the men in my life. This reminded me that I need to lean into those uncomfortable spaces and be more intentional about sharing and asking how others are feeling, especially during big life transitions. This was a heartfelt and beautifully raw reflection on fatherhood, love, and the emotional journeys we’re all on, even if we don’t talk about them enough.
God bless.
Well, that made the “the toil” we worth it. Thank you, Jeff.
I’m going into the way back machine and revisiting the arrival of my two children and while time has given a sepia tinge to my recollections I realize the bulk of it was given to deployments and responsibilities to others - responsibilities that mattered, especially at that time, but responsibilities outside of my family. Does this essay have value? To me, it does.
🏴☠️
I'm the father of your wife and the grandfather of your daughter. It's not clear to me that either of them are the way they are because of genealogy. More likely, they are products of nature more than nurture. I do worry and ask about how your wife is doing/feeling even when she isn't carrying another granddaughter. But I also worry, and in my heart, am just as concerned about my son (her brother). But your essay made me stop and think -do I ask my son how he is feeling in the same sincere and emotionally connected way as I ask my daughter? The most honest answer I can muster is - probably not nearly as often. And You, my son-in-law, somehow it felt, until now, that the question was territory where I dare not tread! So here I go "Leo how are you feeling ?" Its clear that a new family member changes the family dynamics for everyone - including the family dog and cat - but there is no doubt that Dads and Moms carry the heaviest load. So, to quote Joey Tribbiani, " How you doin' "?
That right there is how you close out a comment.
To be honest, I was terrified at first. Things finally seemed to be settling into a healthy groove between careers and schools. It felt to me that we were going to lose the balance we worked so long for. But with the support of an amazing family, we’ve managed to regain stability and i feel an encouraging calm settling in. I am eager to meet this little human. And i am finally feeling grateful for this unexpected addition to our family.
Very thoughtful! Thank you for this.
As a father of three grown kids and husband to a wife who has had her share of medical issues, I hear what you are saying:
1. No one asks what I’m feeling and
2. I wouldn’t know what to do if they did.
Not complaining, but your essay helped me put it into perspective!
It’s interesting, the entire time I was writing this a worry lurked in the back of my head that it might sound as if I were complaining. It’s a salient point that for a man to share his feelings he must first overcome the notion that he is complaining. The two are presented as though synonymous in most cases, largely to our detriment.
It’s funny. I didn’t take it as though you were complaining, but, as soon as I started writing my comment, I felt like it sounded like I was complaining.
Look at us dudes sharing our feelings!
Evolving. 🦍
All so true Leo and you and John both a little worried about sounding like you are complaining says it all. This is such a conversation starter and all of your essays are which is why I love them so much. You really got me on the balance part with careers and creativity and family and responsibilities. I just said to Larry as I worked on an essay that it’s hard to write and participate in a household because I just want to disappear into words and sentences. Larry knew not to interfere with my obsession at that time. So I am feeling it for you - that push and pull - wanting to be present while also needing to create. I have been wondering how you will cope and after reading this it sounds like you are as ready as can be. In addition to the social silliness of not wanting to ask a man how he is doing, there is also the not wanting to bother him with another email that he will need to respond to so you go through the woman to get the full story. There is a main hub you go through - that is how my family has always worked. Talk to Mom and then reach out to siblings if she tells you to🤣. But now you have given me permission to go straight to the source. Funny these constructs we make - thank you for breaking them down. Thinking about you lots as this next chapter is about to begin.❤️ I do need to understand what Lauren meant about if women were in power, there wouldn’t be a society - if they couldn’t share their feelings? By the way, you are an incredible partner, father and provider. A new little human is about to be read to while awake and asleep - the words not meaning much initially but man they sure will.
Leo, you have effectively asked the question. Men are not asked as often or as sincerely as women about their true feelings. Men definitely are entitled to be asked and should be comfortable with digging into their emotions, thoughts, and concerns while growing the vocabulary to share these . The ability to express true feelings takes practise and it starts with a brave, caring individual like yourself posing the question. Be encouraged!